Something that made me laugh a lot, the DMV 🫠 & a ranch flight

Hello sweet friends!

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How are you? I’m alright. I’m taking things day by day. The other day I was so tired, I decided to go to bed early (like 9pm) and really try to get a good night’s sleep. Well, wouldn’t you know that the fire alarm went off at 12:30am, and I’m talking a full building alarm, screeching in every room. I threw on a sweater over my t-shirt and pajama pants, grabbed our folder of important documents and my laptop, and my husband Ross and I put our cat Zadie in her carrier (no woman left behind!!!), and joined the rest of the building outside. The LAFD came and everything! It turned out to be a false alarm–I think someone was smoking cigarettes inside–but boy, did that put a damper on my deep sleep plans. It just goes to show that sometimes we plan, and God says, “Go fuck yourself!” (That’s how the expression goes, right?)

However, later in the week, God said, “Here ya go little buddy,” when a friend invited Ross and I to go see Kylie Minogue at the Crypto dot com Arena formerly known as the Staples Center. I would not consider myself a lifelong Kylie fan (that would be insane, since “Locomotion” came out when I was one year old), but I’ve loved her last three albums, Disco, Tension, and Tension II. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to those records. If you like high-energy pop music, I cannot recommend them enough. Disco was a particularly bright light for me when it dropped in the fall of 2020, but they’re all great.

I have so much respect for this woman, who I just learned from Wikipedia is “the only female artist to have achieved a number one album in five consecutive decades!!” Incredible! She is 56 years old now, she performed for nearly two hours, and she looked and sounded great. We had so much fun dancing to all her songs. And the crowd had so much love for her. Ross and I tried to guess what the demographics of the crowd would be before the show, and I have to say, I have never had an easier time getting in and out of the ladies’ room at a pop concert. I would say the crowd was like 60% gay men, maybe 30% women, and 10% miscellaneous, which includes straight men. Sorry, Ross!

It was one of those nights where I ordered Pizza Hut in the Uber home because that’s one of the only places that delivers after midnight, and we got to try their Cheesy Bites pizza that came with a Ranch Lover’s Flight with three different flavors of ranch: original, chipotle, and pepperoni. I think my favorite was the chipotle one–the pepperoni ranch went too heavy on the fennel flavor for me. The Cheesy Bites crust was tasty, but I think I prefer a regular stuffed crust, or even their classic seasoned pan crust. Mmm, buttery. We ate the pizza while Ross made me watch episode 2 of season 2 of The Rehearsal. Jesus Christ, I felt so badly for the female pilot in it. Anyway, the next morning, I slept until my cat meowed in my face at 10:30, fed her, fed myself with leftover pizza, and went back to bed until the afternoon. Overall, I’d say the concert was a roaring success!

So, life has been a mix lately. But enough about that. Let’s get into some other things:

- Summer House, season nine (Peacock, Bravo). I have to get something off my chest about this current season of Summer House. One of the cast members, Jesse Solomon, is being a total fuckboy to another castmate, Lexi, but that’s certainly not unusual for Summer House. What is shocking to me is how Jesse Solomon (everyone always says his full name) has made it to the ripe old age of 32 years old, and seems to have zero knowledge or understanding of what typical romantic and physical boundaries are for someone in an exclusive relationship. It’s W I L D!

Now, look, I know we all have different levels of experience with dating and being in a relationship. That’s fine. I have friends who don’t really date at all, I have friends who are incurable romantics (a/k/a serial monogamists), I have friends who’ve been with their persons for a million years, like me. I can’t picture a single one of them reaching their early 30s and not understanding what’s appropriate behavior for someone in a relationship as far as, say, openly flirting with and touching other people. That truly feels like willful ignorance on Jesse Solomon’s part, and it’s gross. Dude really wanted all the perks of having Lexi locked down while being able to act as if he’s still single at the same time. Then, when he rightfully gets called out on his behavior, he tries to throw it back on Lexi, like she’s being controlling, or crazy, or being flirty with West, which was really fucked up considering West is probably his best friend in the house. It’s a real handbook on What Not to Do In the First Month And a Half of Dating. Fascinatinggg.

Then there’s Kyle, who seems to be getting antsy about being 42 and not having kids yet, but dude needs to take responsibility for not making that a priority over the past three years that he’s been married. He acts like he just woke up at 42 to a life without kids, instead of making conscious decisions throughout his twenties and thirties and even forties that do not support a family lifestyle. Last summer his wife, Amanda, wanted to move to New Jersey for the whole suburban house-with-a-yard fantasy, and he pouted and refused and stayed out until the next morning on weeknights and started a new hobby as a DJ. None of that screams “ready for the responsibility of children.”

The thing is, I totally know what Kyle’s version of being a dad is in his head, and it’s all of the fun parts and none of the work. Basically, Robin Williams in the first 15 minutes of Mrs. Doubtfire. It’s not surprising to me that Amanda is now having second thoughts about having kids at all, knowing she would be cast in the Sally Field role. Women in hetero relationships almost always end up taking on more than 50% of the work of having kids, but decent men at least make an effort. For women in marriages with The Fun Party Guy? Forgettaboutit. They will always be the Bad Guy, the disciplinarian, the one to do the dirty and hard work of raising a child. I will be interested to see what happens, but unless Kyle starts making some major lifestyle changes, I remain skeptical that we’re going to see Papa Kyle anytime soon…

- Game Changer season seven, episode one (Dropout). Full disclosure: I worked at CollegeHumor/Dropout from 2017-2020, and even though I was one of the 100 employees who got laid off in January 2020, I have no bitterness about it, because it was ultimately done with a lot of transparency and kindness, and a big part of that was due to the leadership of Sam Reich. (I also worked for a comedy company that shall not be named that laid me off with zero transparency and I’d say a lack of kindness that was evident in the fact that a coworker of mine was also laid off while he was ON HIS HONEYMOON, because they just had to get it done before Q3, dontcha know?) I don’t know Sam well, but I know he is a huge part of the reason why CollegeHumor rebranded to Dropout and, more importantly, became far more inclusive and diverse. Also, his dog Finnegan was very cute and well-trained and did tricks around the office, and twice, he got me into the Magic Castle (Sam, not Finn). Basically, he’s a total mensch. So even though I haven’t been a part of it, I have been delighted to see the rise of Dropout over the past five years and the popularity and critical acclaim that the show Sam hosts, Game Changer, has received in particular. 

I don’t think I’ve laughed as much in an hour all year as I laughed at Game Changer’s recent “One Year Later” episode. If you don’t know the premise of Game Changer, it’s that three comedians play a game every episode, but the game changes every episode and the comedians have no idea what they’re going to be playing when they walk onto set. In this episode, which is perhaps GC’s most ambitious and epic episode yet, Jacob Wysocki, Vic Michaelis, and Lou Wilson were given a folder of 15 challenges to complete… one year ago. That’s right, they had a full year to do these tasks, so you know they weren’t easy. The beautiful thing about this cast, though, is that they’re the kind of people who immediately started thinking about the funniest and most awesomely creative ways to complete these challenges. Nobody phoned it in. You can watch the first 10 minutes of the episode here. If you want to watch the full episode (and you should!), Dropout is $6.99 a month with a three-day free trial period, or you can get a full year for less than $60 (20% off).

- Can I be a hater for a second? I am so over super rich and famous people having podcasts. It’s not right!! That’s a gig for mid-to-low-level comedians who are funny at parties, not household names that my 77 year-old father would know! And also: who cares?? Look, I love Amy Poehler, I own her book in hardcover and on audiobook, but do I want to hear her fucking shooting the shit with Jack Black? NO!!! I want my celebrities to have an air of mystery about them. I KNOW that they can’t relate to regular humans. You know what happens when a rich and famous celebrity tries to be relatable? Alec Baldwin’s reality show that no one watches. (Please listen to Kara Berry’s recaps of The Baldwins on Everyone’s Business But Mine, they’re so good).

Now, if Amy Poehler wants to be a guest on podcasts, that’s fine! Go on Las Culturistas like Tina did! (So, I just Googled, because I fact-check all my jokes, and Amy was literally just a guest on Las Culturistas last week. Goddamnit!! Now it’s TOO accurate!) But don’t go on to promote your own stupid podcast that shouldn’t exist!

The thing is, I love those weird, emotionally deformed people who are successful only in podcasting. I’m thinking of Nick Wiger from Doughboys, who will casually drop these insane takes that I’ve never heard before in my life (example: he believes you should never have guests over your house. It should just be for you and your partner/family. He’s co-hosted this podcast with Mike Mitchell for 10 years, and Mike has never been in Nick’s home. Like, um??). Or Bryan Quinby from Guys, who is always revealing new, disturbing lore about himself (very mild example: his favorite band is Korn. Huh?). Or Casey Wilson and Danielle Schneider from Bitch Sesh, who say after every musical number they do at their live shows that their musical theater skills peak in this format (they’re wonderful). These are the people who should be podcasting people, people! Not rich celebs!

- Real IDs. For years, the U.S. government pretended that Real IDs were a thing, and oh, how we laughed at them. “Yeah, right!” we said. “Whatever, losers!” But then one day, (last Monday to be specific), like the foolish grasshopper who fiddled all summer, I got to the “find out” part of this “fuck around” story, and I found myself at the DMV. And it was busyyyyy.

Luckily, I had an appointment, and I came prepared. I did the stupid driving test online, and then, I’m not sure how they’re doing it in other states (differently? The same?), but in California, you have to not only apply online and upload your documents, you have to physically print them out and bring them into the DMV office as well. Just feels like a waste of paper. I, like many Millennials, do not own a printer, so I had to ask a friend to print out my Verizon bill at work and bring it to brunch on Sunday. Embarrassing! I also had a copy of our lease that my husband had gotten printed for HIS Real ID application, which is 55 pages long for some reason. And I read every word of it before I signed, Dad! (My Dad doesn’t read this, thank God.)

So, I showed up at the DMV in Glendale at 10:30, which was already a pain in the ass because work is busy and I don’t have the kind of job where I can always peace out for a morning to do bureaucratic shit. Why is it that every errand known to man can only be accomplished between 9am and 5pm during the week? And I’m lucky, because I’m salaried now, but there have been many times in my career when I was not, and I would have had to take home a smaller paycheck that week because I had to take care of some bullshit like this. It ain’t right!

For the first fifteen minutes at the DMV, I waited in the line for people with appointments, which was considerably shorter than the line for people without appointments. Just for perspective, the appointments line stayed inside the building, while the non-appointments line went outside and down the block. My advice? Get an appointment. They seem to go online at random times, so just keep checking until you see a date that works for you. At first, I didn’t see any appointments until July, but then I checked back and there was one in late April. 🤷

However, one mildly infuriating thing that happened is that when I finally made it to the person in the first window, they said, “Oh, you’re fifteen minutes late.” Um, I was waiting in your line that whole time?!? Like?? When was I supposed to get here, yesterday?

Then I waited for another half an hour until my number was called. I was #F066, and honey, they were not calling the F’s that Monday morning! G’s, left, right, and center. B’s, even! A’s! But not us F’s! Finally, finally, I was called and went up to the desk with the person who could help me, but she ignored me for the first like three full minutes I was up there to help her coworker with a computer issue. Look, that’s fine, really, but I would have appreciated a quick “I’ll be right with you.” Some acknowledgment that I’m a sentient being, you know? It’s simply what I would have done in that situation, but what-everrrr. She did eventually help me (she did not appreciate that I had uploaded all 55 pages of our lease, apparently), and then I was off on my merry way to take what I’m sure is a horribly unflattering photo that I haven’t seen yet. Some weirdos smile in their license photos, but that felt like too much to me. I was at the DMV, not Disney World. I did a little Mona Lisa half-smile and called it a day.

All in all, I was in and out in just about an hour, which is not too terrible! And soon, my ID will be Real. Godspeed to all of you who have yet to get yours. You can do this!

Alright that’s enough outta me for now!

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Until next time—beware The Fun Party Guy.

Love,

Liz

XOXO