Teenage witches 🐈‍⬛ & more thoughts on The Ultimatum: Queer Love [Like You Know Whatever]

Hi friends!

How are you?? I’m doing pretty well, except for recovering from a stomach… something. I am still on the bland food train, my least favorite train, although at least I was able to have some coffee this morning, with a lot of ice and almond milk. Tonight I’ll be trying some grilled chicken and potatoes, so wish me luck on handling all of that excitement! Man, I can’t wait until I can eat non-beige foods again.

Next Wednesday is the official start of summer for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere—have you decided yet what kind of summer you’re going to have? It’s a very important thing to declare for one’s self. Are you having a Tomato Girl Summer or a Trash 90s Summer? Me, I think I’m going to have a Witchy Goth Girl Summer. I want to wear a lot of black and get out my crystals and candles and throw some tarot and listen to a lot of Stevie Nicks and The Cure and Nine Inch Nails. I want to read some good gothic thrillers and watch some good horror and figure out how to do the perfect pitch black smokey eye without looking like a demented panda (I got this gorgeously grungy Chucky palette weeks ago and still haven’t used it!). I always admire the girlies who rock all-black in L.A., there’s something so cool about defying the sun like that. (Although, honestly, what sun? It’s been June Gloom over here for ages.)

I’m currently on a long DuoLingo streak, trying to learn Japanese for my husband and my trip to Japan in December (thanks to those of you who sent me recs! Please keep ‘em coming!). I’ve gotten quite serious about learning the language. I bought us some workbooks to supplement our app learning, and I plan on making flash cards this weekend. Many people have told me that it’s not really necessary to know much of the language to travel in Japan, and I don’t see myself having a lot of use for the language after our trip, but A) it’s fun, and B) it’s been a while since I challenged myself to learn something new. I think that when you stop learning and being curious about things in life, that’s when you die inside. And just think how dope it will be to be able to order sushi in Japanese! That’s hot.

Learning Japanese is difficult, but I still think that learning English as a foreign language would probably be harder. At least Japanese is consistent. The letters always make the same sounds. English has no consistency, so you can’t even sound things out easily. There’s always an exception. A funny thing about DuoLingo is that even though Ross and I both started using it at the same time, it’s been teaching us different vocabulary. Isn’t that odd? He knows how to say, “He is a cool lawyer,” while I can say, “One alcohol, please.” Together, the two of us will surely be unstoppable!

Last weekend was super unusual for me, because I went out every single night. On Friday, Ross and I went out to dinner (at Bowery Bungalow, super delicious middle eastern food in Silverlake) with some couple friends of ours from New York who are doing an extended stay in Los Angeles to decide if they want to live here or not. This is after they already did a month in Portland, which I think they liked a lot (and why not? Portland is very charming!). We were trying to show them a good time and take them out to Ye Rustic Inn in Los Feliz afterwards for drinks, but we ended up sitting outside, and I guess there’s a strict 10:30 PM curfew for that area where they have to shut down the outdoor seating by then, and it was getting close to it and one of the servers kept loudly dragging chairs around and stuff. It was so awkward just trying to finish our pitcher of beer that we didn’t even get to order the wings that they’re known for. After that, we went to The Guest House for one drink, but after about a half hour, we hit last call there, too! So, I don’t know what kind of impression we made on our friends, except that L.A. shuts down early on a Friday night. Not exactly the hard sell we were going for.

On Saturday, we went to see Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse at the AMC Burbank 16, where I ate way too much popcorn, and then on Sunday, we went to a screening of Kiki’s Delivery Service as a part of Ghibli Fest at the AMC at the Americana. More on both of those later! If you frequent an AMC theater, does everyone applaud when the Nicole Kidman intro comes on? It’s a big thing in Los Angeles.

I finally finished watching The Ultimatum: Queer Love last weekend, so later on, I’ll share my thoughts on all the couples, because, woof, there was a lot going on in this season! But first, let’s get into some things:

- Theresa Is Dead’s New Makeup Nonsense Bingo videos. I spend a fair amount of time every week watching beauty YouTubers, usually while I am doing my nails (girly time!). One of my favorite channels is Theresa Is Dead, a 37 year-old former New Yorker who now refers to herself as a “Florida swamp witch” and swears a lot. She has a day job and is very funny, and I just generally think we need more normal, grounded people who are over 35 and don’t get every last product for free in PR doing this kind of thing. My favorite series that she does is “New Makeup Nonsense Bingo,” where she’ll share that week’s new makeup releases while drinking an adult beverage, talking shit, and playing a bingo game with squares like “Yes! Give us nothing!” “Same shit, different packaging,” and “Pretty embossing, basic makeup.” It’s the best kind of de-influencing for me.

- @mychal3ts on Instagram. Mychal Threets is a librarian who makes videos telling the most gentle, thoughtful, positive stories about his experiences working with kiddos and their grown-ups in the library, and they’re always a treat when they come up on my feed. I’ll be honest, some of his stories are not um, let’s say the most action-packed, but that’s what I like about them! They’re soothing and sweet. I’m happy they’re here.

- Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (in theaters). I loved the first Spider-Verse movie with Miles Morales so much, it was my favorite movie of 2018. I watched it over and over again, and cried at the same scenes each time. I listened to the soundtrack a lot in my car, too. I can’t believe they made us wait so long for the sequel, but I get it, animation takes a long time, and animation this beautiful probably takes even longer. I don’t think any sequel could quite recapture the magic of the first movie, but in my opinion, this was a very strong follow-up. The art was of course gorgeous and impressive, and I loved Jason Schwartzman as the villain. There was a lot of dad stuff, which was a little tough as someone whose father recently had some scary health stuff happen, but nothing too triggering. I didn’t end up crying at all! I would give it about an A-. The one spoiler I’ll share with you is that the movie does not have a clean ending. I wish I knew that going in, as it was a little frustrating to me, personally. But definitely go see this movie while it’s still in theaters, you’ll want to experience the art on the big screen.

- Kiki’s Delivery Service (streaming on “Max”). This is an adorable Japanese animated film about a teenage witch who moves to a new city with her talking pet cat (hilariously voiced by Phil Hartman in the English dubbed version) and starts a high-flying delivery service on her broom. It’s a Hayao Miyazaki film (the writer/director behind Spirited Away), so you know it’s going to be whimsical and weird and terrific. One thing I like about his movies is that narratively speaking, they are so different from your typical American movie, pretty much all of which pretty strictly follow the classic three-act structure. Miyazaki’s films have distinct beginnings and endings, but their middles can be very loose, almost like you could rearrange the scenes in any order and they would still work. I like that. Ross and I love these movies so much, we totally forgot that they’re essentially for children, and we were some of the only adults in the theater unaccompanied by kiddos. It made sipping my vodka soda from MacGuffins feel very awkward. At any rate, check out Ghibli Fest at a theater near you, it’s going through the summer into October!

Alright, are you ready to get into some thoughts on The Ultimatum: Queer Love? What a season! There are going to be SPOILERS GALORE in this section, so please feel free to skip it and come back to it after you finish the season AND the reunion. Or, if you want to watch a recap of the highlights (with commentary by drag queens), check out this episode of I Like to Watch.  I used this resource to find all the cast member’s proper pronouns, which everyone was very sloppy about using during the filming of the show.

My main conclusion? Just about every person on this show could use some therapy. But then, that’s my conclusion about most people on reality TV. Let’s get into it:

• Tiff (they/them) and Mildred (she/her). Let’s just get this couple out of the way first. In the reunion, Mildred revealed that post-show, she had actually been arrested for physically assaulting Tiff in their shared home by throwing things at them, including a heavy dog gate. I have no idea why Netflix thought it was at all appropriate for Mildred to be present for the reunion given that she was arrested for domestic violence. Even worse, she completely played the victim, and her gaslighting sent Tiff home in tears. I’m sorry, but that’s just unacceptable. There are no “two sides” when one person is arrested for DV and the other person isn’t. I’m pretty disgusted with the way that Netflix handled this whole situation, essentially forcing Tiff to be in the same room as their abuser and be retriggered by her. Gross!! Do better!

• Aussie (“pronoun: Aussie” – pretty sure this is a joke, but I’m going with it) and Sam (she/her). I really hope that Aussie is in therapy. I could not believe the complete lack of communication skills that Aussie displayed throughout this season, especially given the fact that Aussie is 42 fucking years old. I have a slightly judgy personal belief that you can blame your personality defects on your upbringing/childhood until you’re about 30, and then you need to take accountability for the fact that you haven’t done the work to fix yourself. I don’t know why Sam puts up with Aussie to be honest, I think most people would agree that communication is pretty much the #1 skill you need to bring to the table for a successful relationship. But then, I don’t know, Ross and I just blurt shit out at each other all the time and that seems to work for us. I guess I can accept that other people may not be such big “talkers.” Hrmph.

• Lexi (she/her) and Rae (she/her). Now, here’s a couple that probably would have been just fine if they hadn’t been on the show. Sure, Rae could probably use some therapy to learn how to be more assertive and less indecisive, and Lexi would need to realize that demanding to get married at age 24 is simply ridiculous, barring any potential A Walk to Remember situations where one of you is actively dying (what is the rush?? You can’t even rent a car yet!). Instead, they chose to go on a Netflix reality show and blow up their relationship by dating other people. In many ways, Lexi is impressively grounded for her age, but her immaturity comes through in other ways, like her overreaction to the fact that Rae dated and slept with someone she doesn’t like. Lexi acts like Vanessa is the literal devil, a deceitful villainess who’s devious and calculating, when she’s just kind of a shallow, un-self-aware flirt. This might be controversial, but I think everyone was a little harsh on Vanessa. Speaking of which…

• Xander (she/her/they) and Vanessa (she/her). These two were friends in high school, then reconnected years later in their 20s after they’d both come out. I am unfortunately a straight, but I can relate to the bonding that happens between two people who share the same fucked up high school experience. I think a lot of people have difficulty letting go of unhealthy relationships or friendships when they’re with people they’ve known for so much of their lives. I don’t know if it’s trauma bonding or sunk cost fallacy or some other concept that’s fun to throw around as an armchair psychologist. At any rate, these two seemed to me from the beginning like a couple that had simply outgrown each other. They’re both 30 and have been together for four years, so timing-wise, it makes sense that they’re at a turning point. It was definitely bittersweet when they parted ways, though. I think some of the saddest breakups are the “love isn’t enough” ones.

• Mal (she/her/they) and Yoly (she/her). So, Yoly gave the ultimatum to Mal, who was not completely against marriage, but timing-wise, wasn’t ready to get engaged. Mal said at the beginning that their concern was that Yoly has fallen hard for every person she’s ever dated, so what makes them different? And lo and behold, Yoly just went and fulfilled Mal’s biggest fear and insecurity in the relationship by falling in love with Xander. I think that Yoly is the true villain of this season. Feelings are valid and uncontrollable and all that, but the way you play them matters. The way that Yoly was talking to Xander about moving forward while she was supposed to be dating Mal was so messed up! WTF?? Mal is a king and deserves the world. Although, really, we needn’t feel too bad for Mal, I’m sure their inbox is chock full of horny DMs right now.

Woof!! Now, those were some dysfunctional relationships, and some great television!

And that brings us to the end of this week’s newsletter!

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Until next time—somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this.

Love,

Liz

XOXO