Endless summer 🌞 & ranking divas [Like You Know Whatever]

Hi friends!

How are you? I hope you’re doing well! I’m rather melting in this summer heat, but overall, I’m alright. On Monday, I dropped off my laptop and key card at the office and had a farewell lunch with my boss at the Vietnamese spot I’m going to miss, and then that was that. So, I am no longer working at Funny Or Die, but due to severance, I’m going to be paid through the end of August. Dare I say that I am actually having a summer break?! I’ve been keeping busy with applying for jobs and working on my writing projects, but I’m also trying to take some of this time to “have a summah,” as it were.

For instance, I took a full day off in the middle of last week to go to the beach with my bestie who lives in Santa Monica. I don’t think people understand how very large L.A. is—it took me just under an hour to get over there from my place, and that’s with very little traffic. The weather is actually different on that side of town, about 15-20 degrees cooler. It was a gorgeous day, and so needed for my mental health. And honestly, I can’t say it wasn’t empowering to just tell my boss I was taking the day off, rather than asking (not that he cared, he’s great. Actually, our whole team was lovely and I will miss working with them).

Another thing that’s been positive for my mental health? Getting the fuck out of Cancer season and into Leo season! Leos are confident, charismatic, flirty, creative, spotlight-craving natural leaders. They’re loyal friends and fiercely protective of their loved ones (that’s the lion in them), and they’re all about passion, ambition, and boldness. I see them as the jazz hands and gold lamé gowns of the zodiac, always ready to perform, and taking center stage, at that. I mean, Madonna, Mick Jagger, and Jennifer Lopez are Leos. Need I say more?

I don’t have any Leo in my chart (as always, you can do yours here), but I’d say that it’s one of my favorite signs. I know that I always welcome Leo season when it rolls around to wrap up the summer with a blast of energy and sunshine and fun. So, how best to enjoy this season? Finally launch that creative project you’ve been sitting on! Go for a bold mani or eyeshadow look! Get new headshots that show off how fabulous you are! Throw a party just because you can! Jump into the middle of a dance circle! Build a trophy case! Personal brands! Gold jewelry! Manifest, manifest, manifest!

Before we get into some things, let me first apologize to anyone who hoped I would spend this newsletter waxing rhapsodic about the Barbie movie. Y’all, I fucked up. I did not get tickets in time to see the movie last weekend, so I am going tonight instead. I am so sorry to disappoint you. I am thrilled, THRILLED at the impact this movie has already had, including Greta Gerwig having the biggest opening weekend ever for a female director. Although, not to take away from that achievement at all, but I get a little annoyed at a) qualifying accomplishments with “for a female director” and b) seeing money as the pinnacle of success for a film. I know that that’s all this industry seems to care about, but I still think artistry is important. And Barbie seems to deliver on that, too, as the reviews have been great!

I also did not see Oppenheimer, and probably never will, as I don’t think spending three hours marinating on nuclear annihilation would be very good for my mental health. This is a bit embarrassing, but the last Christopher Nolan movie I saw was Inception, over 10 years ago. I saw that one in the theaters and everything, and it was such a disappointment, it kind of turned me off to him altogether. He will always have my respect for what he did with Heath in The Dark Knight, but I’m wary of signing up for another letdown.

Alright then, shall we get into some things?

- Cooking. My husband requested chicken parm for dinner last week, and because he was having a hard week AND he rarely makes requests, I did it, even though it was 90 degrees out and I had to turn the oven on. 😵‍💫 I used this Bobby Flay recipe, although I made it even easier by using jarred marinara sauce and pre-shredded mozzarella. It came out sooo good, y’all, perhaps even worth how hard our little a/c unit had to work to try to cool down the kitchen afterwards? I served it with spaghetti, sauteed zucchini, and a bagged Caesar salad. 

(If you’re looking for a lighter version of chicken parm that won’t heat up your kitchen, this air fryer recipe* is quite good. I was just in the mood for the classic, olive oil-fried stuff that night.)

This meal got me thinking about how people sometimes say that all Mexican food is just the same five ingredients used in different ways, which I think is kind of ignorant and really diminishes the true complexity of Mexican cuisine. Some moles have like 50 ingredients in them! If we really want to talk about cuisine that uses the same ingredients over and over again, let’s talk about Italian American food. Tomatoes, garlic, pasta, cheese, meat. I mean, really. (I’m being facetious, I don’t actually think Italian American food is that simple, either.)

And then yesterday, on my quest to Cook All The Seasonal Produce, I made fresh corn fritters that I served with slow cooker pulled pork*, a bagged avocado ranch salad, and blueberry crumb bars for dessert. I know: baking?! In this weather? I must be out of my mind. I’m just such a slut for a gooey, berry-filled dessert, especially one with a shortbread crust.

* One of my life hacks, as someone who never has central air in her apartment, is to cook with countertop appliances as much as possible during the summer to avoid heating up my kitchen. Try it!

- Welcome to Crappie Lake (Peacock). Look, I know that a Peacock-exclusive Housewives spin-off is a hard sell, but I’m telling you, this fish-out-of-water reality show about Luann de Lesseps and Sonja Morgan from The Real Housewives of New York City trying to revitalize the tiny, rural town of Benton, Illinois is an absolute freakin’ delight. It puts such a smile on my face! It’s kind of like Schitt’s Creek meets The Simple Life, except the women actually want to be there and help the town’s residents. There are so many things that crack me up about this show (Sonja and Luann’s horniness for any breathing male in their vicinity being #1), but one thing I can’t get over is how the mayor of Benton continually refers to Sonja and Luann as “girls.” Sir, these women are nearly 60 years old. I die. But please, if you want a light watch, check out this show.

- L’Oréal Paris True Match Nude Hyaluronic Tinted Serum Foundation ($15). I am usually firmly a medium coverage foundation girlie–I just like having the blank canvas of a more perfected base. But this summer, it’s been so hot and sunny out that I would look frankly unhinged with all that heavy shit separating on my face, so I went looking for a lighter coverage option, and I found one–and at the drugstore, at that! This L’Oréal option is a tinted serum foundation, whatever the fuck that means, and it has hyaluronic acid in it, which is great. I got it in the shade Very Light and it is maybe just a hair lighter than my summertime skin tone, but that’s fine. It evens out my imperfections and provides a little coverage but still looks very natural and skin-like. The only thing I don’t like is the dropper applicator, which has the potential to be very messy. I usually put a big ol’ drop on the back of my hand and apply it with my fingers from there, then blend it out with a sponge. I’m a big fan!

- Natasha Denona’s Yucca eyeshadow palette ($69). Okay, look, I know, the price is insane, but you can get 15% off if you sign up for the newsletter on Natasha Denona’s website, which slashes $10 off right there, and then you’ll be alerted to any future sales (there may be a Labor Day one upcoming, although I don’t know if it will apply to the Yucca palette since it’s new). I actually had a special Boxycharm code (which isn’t working anymore, or I’d share it with you) and got this for $50.

PRICE ASIDE, which I know is a ballsy thing to say in this economy… this palette is so beautiful, y’all!! It is the most stunning, neutrals-with-a-twist color story. If you have any warm or olive tones in your skin, these colors will look amazing on you. Natasha Denona said that she was inspired to create this palette from the idea of the morning sun sparkling on the leaves of a yucca plant, and since I’m a sucker for the desert and all its vegetation, I knew that I had to grab this. These shadows have that gorgeous, buttery, super blendable Natasha Denona formula, which is one of my favorites. I know it’s a lot to say considering that her palettes are SO expensive, but I actually feel like her shadows are very beginner-friendly? They are pigmented, but very buildable and easy to work with. I also will say that I don’t care for a lot of the multi-shadow looks I’ve seen done with this palette, including some of the pictures on ND’s website. These colors are so unique and deserve to shine equally, and I prefer using this palette for a one or two shadow look, maybe three if you add an inner corner pop. I’m recommending this palette now because I think these colors will transition beautifully from summer into fall. If you have this palette, what do you think?

- I asked my Instagram story what I should write about this week and only two of you responded. It seems that you are all just as stumped as I am! Anyway, here is what you recommended:

• “Cats.” I’m assuming the person who wrote this wants to see pictures of my fluffy 11 year-old tuxedo cat, Zadie, who is the true queen of our home. I will not disappoint you! But first, I want to talk about two great cats that Ross and I met at our recent visit to the Sante D’Or no-kill shelter here in Los Angeles. We were totally smitten with Ricearoni, a short-haired gray boy who was so mushy (“how mushy was he?”), he let us pick him up, roll him around, squish his paws, you name it. We also met his brother Basmati, a playful, big-eyed black cat who loves to climb. If you’re looking to adopt a pair, these two would bring so much fun and cuddles and personality to your home. As a grand dame, Zadie needs a much more mellow energy in a potential brother or sister, but man, we sure enjoyed our time with these boys. Okay, here are some Zadie pics!

• “Rank some divas!” I have to be honest, I’m not sure if the person who wrote this even reads this newsletter (“she doesn’t even go here!”). I would never attempt to rank women who are so legendary. Luckily, someone at BuzzFeed did, in 2014, and they are extremely wrong, even by 2014 standards. Let’s take a look at their “definitive” diva rankings and explore the wrongness:

1. Madonna – HAHAHAHHA. No. Now, Madonna is certainly iconic, but a diva? I guess that I always thought a diva was someone with incredible vocal abilities, specifically, the ability to BELT. Madonna simply does not have the pipes to go toe to toe with Mariah.

2. Beyoncé – I want to point out that this list was written BEFORE Beyoncé released her self-titled visual album that rocked the world, and everything incredible she’s done since. So, you’re telling me that this person thought she deserved to be the #2 diva just based on her work from Destiny’s Child through 4? I love Beyoncé, but give me a fucking break. There’s no world in which she should rank above Whitney. Sorry.

3. Mariah Carey – Finally, some goddamn sense.

4. Whitney Houston – Duh.

5. Janet Jackson – Hmm. I love Janet, but really? What are we going on here? Attitude? ‘Cause it can’t be those wispy-ass vocals.

6. Diana Ross – Naturally.

7. Dolly Parton – Oh. Hm. Now, this is an interesting one. If we were going on songwriting ability, sure, but that’s not what a diva is, to me. And Whitney’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” certainly takes the coconut cake over Dolly’s original. Sooooooo… damn, I don’t know! What do you all think? Does Dolly deserve a place on the definitive diva list?

8. Aretha Franklin – I can’t believe it took this person until number goddamn eight to get to Aretha. For shame.

9. Mary J. Blige – Hmm. I personally would not rank her this high, but I see why she should be on this list.

10. Adele – Sure! This seems like a good place for her.

11. Cher – Yeah!

12. Rihanna – Does not deserve to be this high, but with the way her vocals have improved in recent years, yeah, I think she deserves to be on the list. Toward the bottom.

13. Tina Turner – Oh fuck yes.

14. Barbra Streisand – Absolutely. Should be in the top 10, easily.

15. Kylie Minogue – This is hard for me, because I have a ton of love and respect for Kylie, even though the “Padam Padam” video is basically Katya cosplay. Iconic? Yes. A diva? Ehhhhh I don’t know. I just don’t know.

16. Amy Winehouse – Gosh, this is a tough one, mostly because her career was tragically cut short. She certainly made an impact in that short time, but her career did not go through as many different seasons as someone like, say, a Celine Dion, or even an Adele. I don’t think she belongs here, actually.

17. Erykah Badu – I don’t know if the “diva” label suits her. She’s an incredible, singular artist, but a diva? Hmm.

18. Shakira – No. Sorry.

19. Lady Gaga – Okay. Yes. She’s got the pipes, she’s got the presence, she’s got the drama. Even though she’s relatively young compared to many of the women on this list, I think she’s made her mark.

20. Britney Spears – Aw, babe. That’s cute. But no. Britney is many wonderful, amazing things, but put her next to Aretha and she sounds like a field mouse.

21. Donna Summer – Sure.

22. Taylor Swift – I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m just not a Taylor girl (although I respect the fact that a lot of brilliant women with great taste I know like her for some reason), but I don’t think she deserves to be on this list at all. Although, bringing a reporter to her best friend’s wedding to write about how wonderful and down-home she is was certainly a diva move I’ll never forget. (*whispers* I don’t like her.)

23. Celine Dion – Now we’re fucking talking.

24. Lauryn Hill – I mean, is it diva behavior to start a concert five hours late? Sure. But other than that, I don’t see a diva here.

25. Jennifer Lopez – Ooooh. Now, I’ve never found J.Lo’s voice to be that strong, but I think she might make up for it as a performer, a dancer, a haver-of-attitude. She’s no Mariah, but yeah, she can be on this list.

26. Miley Cyrus – HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. No.

27. P!nk – Do I or does anyone I know listen to P!nk? No. Yet, we can’t deny that she has made an impressive career for herself over several decades, and she has her whole aerial shit she does, which has a wow factor. I think she can be on this list.

28. Kelly Clarkson – Her vocal skills are impressive, but I just don’t think she has the disposition of a diva. Have you seen clips from her talk show? She’s sweet as pie. Everybody loves her. That does not a diva make.

29. Christina Aguilera – Christina absolutely deserves to be on this list. I often think about how she deserves more respect in general. I feel like the youths today see her as “that lady from The Voice” and have no idea the impact she had in the early ‘00s. No disrespect to anyone else on the song, but she carried “Lady Marmalade” on her back like a Navy SEAL doing a water rescue. The fact that she’s #29 on this list of 31 is absurd.

30. Lana Del Rey – What in the world…?! Are you lost, little girl? Get her the fuck out of here!

31. Katy Perry – *choking sound* Please stop before I hurt myself laughing at this one.

What do you all think? Who should be ranked higher? Who is missing from this list altogether? Lizzo, obviously, but who else? Let me know in the comments!

- Before you go, I have a quick favor to ask! I’m looking to add some more premium downloadable content for the paid subscribers. Which of the following content would interest you the most?

If there’s something else you’d like to see that I haven’t mentioned, please feel free to hit reply or let me know in the comments as well!

Alright babes, that brings us to the end! The next newsletter will be in two weeks as usual. I went a bit wild this month and gave you an extra free one–whoops!

Don’t forget to like, comment, and share this newsletter if you’d like–you can use the buttons at the bottom or the top. You can also upgrade to a paid subscription if you want more content–there’s a special button for you at the bottom of this email!

Until next time—give Christina some goddamn respect.

Love,

Liz

XOXO