Diary of a teenage poet ✍️ & some movie recs [Like You Know Whatever]

Hello friends!

How are you?? I’m alright. Lately, I have been sleeping like a newborn baby–that is, waking up every two hours or so for no reason. My husband, Ross, thinks I should do a clinical sleep study, but I don’t know how I’d ever fall asleep with wires and shit attached to me. Plus, who wants people staring at them while they sleep? Ew. What if I drool on my pillow, or have one of my famous sex dreams about Seth Rogen? Humiliating!!

I’ve also been doing some spring cleaning, reorganizing and decluttering my home office. I’m The Container Store’s favorite customer right now. It’s amazing what a difference a few extra feet of free space can make in a room. I’m also hoping to go through the mountains of clothing I own that no longer fit me, but that’s more emotionally fraught. I’m a bit of a clotheshorse, so it’s hard for me to get rid of pieces that are still beautiful, but no longer fit on my body. But this is long overdue. There are also plenty of items in there that even if they did fit me, I wouldn’t want to wear them anymore, like all my UCB shirts and hoodies. 

One thing that I did NOT declutter is my collection of journals from childhood through, well, present day, I suppose. A few years ago, my mom finally cleaned out my childhood bedroom and she shipped them all to me, at my request. I always thought that these would be priceless artifacts someday, that when I was a famous writer, someone would beg me to publish them, so I’ve saved them all. Last weekend, I was talking to a friend about them, and she said I should publish an excerpt in here. What a great and hilarious idea! I opened up all six boxes of notebooks and looked through them for the perfect quote. Would you believe that I couldn’t find a single decent entry? The problem is that I was sooo unbelievably boy crazy, 95% of what I wrote up until adulthood was me mooning over some guy. And I was hilariously fickle, too; week to week a completely different boy was the object of my affection. The other 5% of what I wrote was the incredibly dull minutiae of a child and teenager’s life, like crying because I got a D+ in Algebra II or didn’t make the volleyball team, neither of which has had the slightest impact on my adult life. Simply stunning. Please, don’t all rush to bid on the publishing rights for these incredible works of art!!

It really made me realize how, in a way, being with my husband from age 22-on freed me creatively to write about other things than boys. Or maybe I just grew up, and my brain was no longer so hormone-addled. Hmm.

I did find a notebook full of poetry I’d written in 2002, when I was 15/16 years old. It is so much worse than I ever imagined. Here’s one of the least embarrassing poems I wrote that I think you can tell was heavily influenced by Hole lyrics:

SUPPOSED PROSE

Celebrity smile hung on your refrigerator doorThe box that it came in, used to build fortsCindy Crawford, Joan Rivers, Norman CoxBruises on my feet from all the names that I’ve droppedWhitened teeth see silver tiarasFence off your roses and neighborly areasIce hockey winter leads to field hockey fallOnto skinned knees with no padding at allLeave all your lovers alone in the darkPay up your quarters or don’t try to parkSend fifty bucks to make up for lost timeSwallow your pride and spit out a rhyme.

I know what you’re thinking: who the fuck is Norman Cox? I truly have no idea. Maybe a local realtor? I could see teenage me absorbing a name off of a for sale sign and using it.

I also made a list of:

THINGS I’D LIKE TO DO BEFORE THE APOCALYPSE

1. Pull a fire alarm at a school.

2. Write my name and phone number on a bathroom wall.

3. Shave my head.

4. Learn how to play the drums.

5. Publish a book.

6. Meet Rivers Cuomo, Ian MacKaye, Chris Conley, Matt Skiba, Dave Grohl, Courtney Love, and Daniel Johns.

7. Be a rockstar.

8. Go braless for 24 hours (not in p.j.s).

9. Donate blood.

10. Donate to a charity.

11. Mosh.

12. Crowd-surf.

13. Make out with a drummer.

14. Give birth.

15. Get married.

16. See England, Australia, and Canada.

17. Live in California.

18. See Hawaii.

19. Own a pair of pink shoes.

20. Own a pair of knee-high black lace-up boots. (Note: this one is checked off in the original list.)

21. Meet a president or member of the royal family.

What a list! Let’s see… I’ve done #’s 8, 10, 11, 15, 17, 18, and 19. I would still like to do #s 5, 6, 16, and 21, depending on which president or royal. I am no longer obsessed with drummers and I no longer wish to shave my head, give birth, or crowd-surf (women tend to get groped when they do that, sadly). I also have no idea why I wanted to put my name and number on a bathroom wall–I don’t think I understood that that was a hook-up thing. I probably pictured myself having deep conversations with strangers, like Chris Gethard does today in Beautiful/Anonymous, lol. I also found out that I can’t have blood drawn without passing out, unfortunately. But I wouldn’t mind being a rockstar for a day–who would?

Alright, let’s get into Some Things! Speaking of teenage dreams:

- Checkerboard Vans slip-ons. I coveted these sneakers so much back when I was an alternative teenager, but I never bought them because I wasn’t a skater, and I was afraid I would get slapped with the dreaded “poser” label. I know: how sad, right? Anyone can wear anything! (Well, okay, unless it’s offensive or full-on cultural appropriation. I think we all get the basic limitations.) A few months back, I finally ordered a pair to indulge my checkerboard fantasies, and OMG, they are the BEST! They’re soo comfy–I use my standing desk a lot more now when I’m in the office, and I can stand for hours in these. Plus, who doesn’t love a slip-on shoe? So easy! They are pretty pricey from the official Vans store I have linked above ($65, ouch), but you can definitely find them cheaper, like in the 40s, at a DSW, Nordstrom Rack, or even on Amazon.

- Cooking. I made the TikTok viral French onion soup pasta! It’s a one-pot recipe (the pasta cooks in the sauce! Wild!) and pretty easy, although of course it’s always time consuming to caramelize onions properly. The recipe calls for rigatoni, but I actually think penne was made for this, even though it’s apparently a very unfashionable pasta shape right now. (#justiceforpenne) I thought it was delicious and couldn’t stop eating it. My husband said it was not his favorite and he would have rather just had French onion soup. I posted that on my Instagram story and then he said, “Wow, I really sound like a jerk here,” so I wrote a disclaimer about how I don’t take it personally when he doesn’t like a recipe I didn’t come up with, but then I just sounded insecure and defensive. You can’t win! Anyway, I liked the pasta a lot but thought it could’ve benefited from a protein, so maybe cook some chicken breast strips and throw them in there.

- More astrology nonsense. On March 21st, in just a couple days, we’ll have a new moon on the first day of Aries season, which also happens to be the day after the Spring Equinox. This is also the first day of a new zodiac year, and there couldn’t be a more perfect time to set intentions and goals for the rest of this year, or even further into the future, like a five-year plan. Aries are honest, competitive, loyal, spontaneous, fiery go-getters. While Pisces can be mysterious and introspective deep divers, what you see is what you get with an Aries, often to the point of bluntness. They are also known to be charismatic and light up a room, much like their fellow fire signs Leo and Sagittarius that way. With Saturn now in Pisces, pushing us to fire up our artistic and creative plans, this is going to be an especially productive time for artists, creators, and performers, so make those to-do lists now! Re: Saturn in Pisces, astrologer Chani Nicholas said, “Spreadsheet your wildest fantasies!” I’m charging my manifestation crystals!

- Great Jones “Holy Sheet” baking trays. I have had so many issues with baking trays warping and twisting in the oven that at one point, years ago, I just started putting everything in 9x13 roasting pans and never looked back. That all changed back in November when I ordered these baking trays from Great Jones, which I did because they were 25% off (maybe a Black Friday sale?), looked high quality, and came in fun colors (including color of the year, magenta!). I have been so impressed with these! They’re heavy as fuck, but that’s kind of what I wanted, because it means they DO NOT WARP NOT EVER NOT NO HOW. I’ve used mine to make pesto turkey meatballs for that Smitten Kitchen recipe (it’s become a part of my regular rotation since I first made it, it’s so good), and best of all, they’re dishwasher-friendly! I’ll be honest, they’re quite expensive ($40 a pop), but if you sign up for their email list, they’ll give you 10% off, and they’re having a flash sale through March 17th (hey, that’s today!) where you can get two for $60. I know that some of you are engaged–definitely throw a couple of these babies on your registry, you won’t be sorry!

- Celsius caffeinated sparkling waters. My coworkers love these things, so I decided to try one the other day. They’re marketed as a pre-workout metabolism-booster I guess, but the main appeal to me is that they have the same amount of caffeine as two cups of coffee (200 mg). I love them!!! As I mentioned, I’ve had a little insomnia on and off lately (hot girls have sleeping problems), so on days when I really need a pick-me-up, hoo boy do these come through for me! It also turns out that I am really productive when properly caffeinated! Look, are these good for you? I don’t know. They’re basically speed. The funny thing is that I bought two of them on my lunch break the other day (not to drink in one sitting, they were 2 for $6 at the store, calm down), and when I went to put them in the office fridge, I saw that it had just been filled with about two dozen of these. 😂 So I guess I will be nabbing those sweet free Celsiuses from the office from now on! (Disclaimer here that you should probably check with your doctor before drinking a shit ton of caffeine, I am clearly not a medical professional.)

- The Writing Retreat by Julia Bartz. A thriller about a women’s only writing retreat at a creepy mansion in upstate New York? How could I resist this debut novel from Julia Bartz? I have read a lot of thrillers, and this one did not bore me, which is becoming increasingly rare with thrillers these days. Actually, I thought it was fantastic, with lots of elements of gothic and horror. And I really loved that all the main characters were flawed, somewhat unlikable women. Who needs their characters to be likable? What am I, five years old?

- Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. I included this book in my Best of 2022 list as the best book of 2022, even though I was only halfway through it at the time, because it’s my list and I can do whatever I want with it. Well, I finally finished it, and I can confirm that it did indeed deserve that title! Tomorrow… is what I like to call “a real novel-y novel,” which is what I call those books like The Goldfinch and The Heart’s Invisible Furies and The World According to Garp that are kind of long, sweeping stories that take place over several decades and usually have a shocking, unexpected death at some point (I said usually. No spoilers!). This one is about two friends who design video games together, and even though I’m not much of a gamer, I never felt alienated by that world as it exists in this book. As a story of two creative partners, it reminded me of Kavalier & Clay or The Animators, two other books I adored as well. The writing was beautiful but never sappy, and I loved her scene setting of Los Angeles. Check it out if you’re in the mood for a real novel-y novel!

- Knock At The Cabin (for rent on Prime Video). M. Night Shyamalan is pretty hit or miss for me, but I thought this movie was a hit! Dave Bautista was even good in it! (Not to be rude, but um… why does his head look like that?) It’s a psychological horror movie about a gay couple and their young daughter who are vacationing at a cabin in the woods when four strangers approach them and tell them they have to make a sacrifice in order to stop the apocalypse. I actually thought the trailer was quite good, so maybe just watch that. Anyway, I found it to be very realistic, as far as how the couple reacts. Realism is not always very present in horror movies. There weren’t a lot of jump scares, but there were definitely moments that were violent and/or disturbing, so be forewarned.

- Babylon (for rent on Prime Video). First of all, do not watch this movie. We couldn’t finish more than half of it. SPOILERS ahead, although I doubt I could do more to ruin this movie for you than the filmmakers did. La La Land is one of my husband’s favorite films, and I’d heard good things from a friend about this follow-up from the same writing and directing team, so we decided to give it a go. Again, SPOILERS, but within the first five minutes of the movie, an elephant shits all over a man’s head and a woman pees on a (different) man’s face. I cannot believe that at no point did someone say, “Hey guys, this might be slightly off-putting to viewers as an introduction to your story.” Except, oh wait, there is no story. We were twenty minutes in going, “Are they ever going to introduce a plot or a main character?” Honestly, I don’t know why I bothered watching this, as lately I’ve been very jaded about Oscar-bait movies about *~tHe mAgIc oF cInEmA~*. This reminded me a little of Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, except much worse and even more disjointed. The only good thing about it was that I finally got to see Samara Weaving and Margot Robbie act in a scene together, which clicked something into place in the universe for me, and proved that they are not, in fact, the same person.

- Whiplash (for rent on Prime Video). When we decided we couldn’t stand any more of Babylon, we decided to watch Whiplash instead, which, ironically, was made by the same filmmakers, although way back in 2014. Now, that’s a good movie! It’s about a music student and drummer who finds his future career in the hands of an abusive professor. I was never a music student on the college level, but I’ve had my fair share of unhinged teachers in the arts. I had multiple film professors who would get into heated arguments with students and sometimes even scream at them. I never understood that. Like, why are you so invested in a student film? You’re a grown-up. You should have a life outside of this. Anyway, Whiplash is great, J.K. Simmons totally deserved the Oscar for his performance!

- Scream VI (in theaters). The Scream movies are probably my favorite horror franchise–I love how they combine humor with the stabby stabbies, and get all meta and self-referential within the horror genre. So fun! I’ve seen all of them, and I must admit that the last one, Scream (2022), was not my favorite. I guess I just felt a little frosty toward the two sisters who were the new main characters–like, who even are these girls? However, I didn’t feel that way at all in Scream VI, which just came out last week. A friend who I saw it with said afterwards that he thought it actually benefited from Neve Campbell not being in it, which I am shocked to say I agree with wholeheartedly. I was skeptical going into the movie that they could pull it off without her, and I do think they should have paid Ms. Campbell her worth, as she is the Scream Queen, but Jenna Ortega and Melissa Barrera definitely held their own this time. And the setting of New York City forced the filmmakers to get more creative than “Ghostface chases girl through house.” It was fun to see it in the theater, too! I recommend it!

- I have a brief update to my sleeping issues from the beginning of this newsletter. Since I started writing this, I have learned that it is not recommended for human adults to consume more than 400 mg of caffeine in a day. I have also discovered that the 10.5 fl oz Stumptown cold brew bottles, of which I have been consuming two every morning, contain 260 mg of caffeine EACH. That’s more than a Celsius, the energy drink I referred to earlier as “basically legal speed,” and I’ve been drinking two of them daily? Yiiiiiikes! No wonder I’m having sleeping problems!

This is not the first time I have bungled the caffeine consumption bag. One time when I was living in Brooklyn, I was out of coffee and bought a can of Cafe Bustelo at the bodega, not realizing that it was ground espresso. Ross and I were brewing whole pots of espresso every morning for a week until we finally figured out why we were so jittery! Stay safe out there, friends!

Okay, let’s call it here!

Next week, I will be sending out this month’s extra special newsletter for paid subscribers only, which will be the third one this year! I plan on sharing an exclusive excerpt from the humorous memoir I’m working on, a story about my most embarrassing moment in middle school. It involves me performing a self-choreographed dance to a Kid Rock song, so make sure you upgrade to get it!

And don’t forget to like, comment, and share this newsletter if you’d like–you can use the buttons at the bottom or the top.

Until next time—I’ll just be over here, Googling “Norman Cox.”

Love,

Liz

XOXO