Bingo 🎯 & a Xanga survey [Like You Know Whatever]

Hi friends!

Oh, I hope you’re doing well! I’m thrilled to be here with you, BEHIND THE PAYWALL! (Doesn’t that sound like the dullest tell-all memoir ever?) 

One thing that this paywall may allow me to do is to write a little more candidly than I might in my public newsletters. I’m working on a book of essays, and I’m hoping to use Like You Know Whatever as a bit of a test kitchen. Writing any type of book is such a humbling task, but essays are their own kind of devil. I don’t know where I’m processing things more these days, in my therapy sessions, or when I sit down to write a personal essay for my book. I want it to be funny and honest, but also fine-tuned to the exact level of sharing I’m comfortable with. I can be impulsive at times, but with these newsletters, I keep giving myself more and more lead time by starting to write them earlier and earlier. A lot of that time is spent editing and adding in commas and extra words (“that,” I always add 100 thats), but most of that time is for me to overthink what I wrote and make sure I really want to send it out into the world. I need a few sleeps to really confirm that something is publishable for me.

For example, I wrote and took out a section about body image stuff like nine times this week when I was writing my newsletter. I recently started working on that area in therapy, and I really want to write about it, but it’s so raw, and I’m figuring out new things all the time. I’m ready to write about it for myself, but I’m not ready to publish anything about that yet. Maybe in a few months? Weeks? Who knows?

I just get squirrely about putting out writing to live on the Internet forrrevvverrrr. Not all comedy ages gracefully, and I’m not deluded enough to think that mine will be the exception. I don’t want someone to read something from when I was much younger and dumber and think that’s who I am now. Like with the body image stuff–yeah, I can write about where I’m at and my own personal experiences, but I know I will do it in a flawed way, and how I talk about my own body matters, and either contributes to fatphobia and diet culture, or chips away at it. That is the kind of shit that weighs on me on Thursday nights before I have a newsletter coming out—will it offend anyone, will it hurt anyone, will it change the way people look at me for the worse?

I also would like to point out something that you may not think about, which is that a lot of people in my actual, real life read this newsletter. Not my family, thank God (even imagining explaining a Substack to my Boomer dad is cracking me up right now), but my mother-in-law subscribes, and most of my friends. My husband Ross reads it sporadically, too. And beyond the people who I know for certain subscribe, since I’ve moved to Substack and had public archives, anyone could go poke around in there–coworkers, employers, exes, random big booty girls who started following me on Instagram who are probably actually Russian scammers. 

That unsettles me, since I get pretty personal in here sometimes. It’s my goal to be truthful and authentic and messy and real, but man, writing for strangers is so much more liberating than writing for the people in my life! Again, going back to the body image stuff–I started writing about experiences that I haven’t even told Ross about. I think ultimately that’s a good thing, and I’m trying to be as open as I want to be in the first draft of this book, but I also don’t want him finding out new information about me from an email newsletter, you know? That doesn’t seem fair or respectful of our relationship.

At any rate, I am so, SO grateful that you’re here, and I hope this paywall allows me to share more with you in future newsletters. I think it will.

Whewww! This got so damn serious! Which is funny, because the rest of this email is quite silly and goofy.

Let’s get into it!

Like You Know Whatever Bingo

I have something fun for you today! I made an official Bingo card for Like You Know Whatever. Play it with friends, make it a drinking game, enjoy! I wonder if you could get bingo just by reading this week’s free newsletter? I truly don’t know!

A Silly Survey

I asked Ross what I should write about for the paid subscribers, and he said that I should find an old Xanga and do one of those dumb surveys that everyone used to do back in the day. Since I’ve already been doing surveys in the newsletter, I thought that sounded like a fine idea! I don’t know about you all, but I love surveys, filling them out and reading other people’s answers to them. So, here’s a survey I found on someone’s old Xanga! It’s very long. Enjoy!

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? 

Open. All doors inside my apartment except for the front door are cracked a little at all times so my cat can get through them. Otherwise, she cries.

Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? 

Ross is very perturbed by tucked in sheets, so they’re out.

Have you ever stolen a street sign before? 

No. I stole a flamingo off someone’s lawn once, though. Ross and I had just started dating and I was trying to impress him.

Do you like to use post-it notes? 

I put them in cookbooks so I can go back to my favorite recipes.

Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? 

I hate this question. I guess I would rather take the bees, since I’m not allergic and I’d be more likely to survive that. But you know how I feel about insects.

Do you always smile for pictures? 

Oh, no, I’ll totally take a post-crying selfie (hawt). But in group pictures? Yeah, I pretty much always smile, usually with a closed mouth, because open mouth smiles don’t always work out for me.

What is your biggest pet peeve? 

I have to admit, it grates on me when people can’t figure out your/you’re or there/they’re/their, or say they “would of” done XYZ. (It’s “would’ve.”) I keep my annoyance to myself, though, because you never know what someone’s dealing with that might make language hard for them.

Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

Um, what? No. My Apple Watch does that for me.

Have you ever peed in the woods? 

I can think of a few times. In college, at a party or two; when I was PAing on a friend’s music video shoot in the woods where there were no bathrooms; one time, on a road trip, behind an abandoned gas station, while my friend Jill poked at me with a stick and laughed. It was hard to pee because she was poking at me but also easy to pee because I was laughing so hard.

What about pooped in the woods? 

Nah. I’ve never been camping.

Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? 

Actually, yes. Sometimes I get an alert from my Apple Watch to stand up for a minute to make progress on my Stand ring, and I’ll stand up and floss for 60 seconds.

How many people have you slept with this week? 

Um, judgey much?? One. 

What size is your bed? 

King-sized, baby! It felt like a big step toward adulthood when we moved to L.A. and could finally fit one in our apartment. Now we’re spoiled, though, and it’s a drag when we go on vacation and *shudders* have to sleep in a queen or smaller. We’re not petite people.

What is your song of the week? 

I’ve been listening to my friend Siren and the Sea’s first album, This Time With Feeling, a lot lately. It’s SO good! I love all of it, but I’ve been really feeling the lyrics in “Snake River.”

What’s your least favorite movie? 

Everyone loves it, but I found White Chicks to be kind of sexist (I don’t give a shit about the jokes at white people’s expense though).

Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? 

I would either bury it somewhere random in the desert, or I’d give it to my mother-in-law and ask her to hide it for me. She’s very smart and always has a solution to a problem. I actually think she could commit murder and get away with it (but she wouldn’t. But she could).

What do you drink with dinner? 

At home? Usually a La Croix. Out? Usually one of the restaurant’s signature cocktails.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

Barbecue sauce + ranch. Yummm.

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? 

Clueless, 10 Things I Hate About You, It’s A Wonderful Life, Silver Linings Playbook.

Last person you kissed/kissed you? 

The last person I kissed was my cat, on her little fuzzy head. The last person who kissed me… oh, shit, that was also my cat.

Were you ever a boy/girl scout? 

Nah. Was it expensive? I feel like that was usually the reason why I didn’t do things as a kid.

Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? 

I do not see that happening in this lifetime. No judgment to anyone, though.

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? 

I hand wrote messages in 60 holiday cards in December. That better count.

Can you change the oil on a car? 

Hahahaha! No.

Ever gotten a speeding ticket? 

Yeah, one time in college I got a little overzealous on the New York State Thruway. The cop never showed up in court, though, so I got out of it. 😎

Ran out of gas? 

No! Which is surprising, as I’m a bit of an airhead sometimes and don’t always pay attention to the gas level in my car. This is probably bad advice, but you can drive on E longer than you’d think. 

Favorite kind of sandwich? 

What an impossible question. I love a BLTA. I love an Italian combo. I love a classic grilled cheese. I love a non-classic grilled cheese, for that matter. I love a good roasted veggie panini. That’s it, I’m ordering lunch from the good sandwich spot tomorrow.

Best thing to eat for breakfast? 

My favorite breakfast is the California omelet at Rick’s Restaurant and Bakery in Palm Springs. It has mushrooms, bacon, tomato, avocado, and cheddar inside, and it comes with toast and the most incredible hash browns you’ll ever have. I grew up on Jersey diners so it’s hard to find one on the west coast that satisfies me, and Rick’s is lit. (Home & Ivanhoe in L.A. also have a similar California omelet that is very good, but they don’t have the hash browns.)

Are you lazy? 

Oh, yes, I’m so much lazier than you could even imagine. I get all my groceries delivered, and we have a cleaner who comes once a month, so I never clean my own bathroom. I do my laundry every three weeks at most. I love to sleep in on the weekends. LA-ZY.

Do you have any magazine subscriptions? 

I subscribe to BUST Magazine, which I used to write for, and Conde Nast Traveler, which is great escapism/aspirational content.

Are you stubborn? 

I don’t think so. I just asked Ross, and he doesn’t think so either. So there!

Afraid of heights? 

Don’t love them, that’s for sure!

Sing in the car? 

Constantly.

Dance in the car? 

Sometimes.

Dance in the shower? 

No, that sounds dangerous.

Ever used a gun? 

Absolutely not. They scare the shit out of me.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 

My friend Ben Espiritu took some headshots for me around my old neighborhood a couple of years ago. I needed a bunch for an interview I was doing at the time, which you can read here, if you can stand another interview with me.

Do you think musicals are cheesy? 

Nah. I like musicals a lot. I don’t have the deepest foundation of knowledge in that area, though–maybe I should watch more?

Is Christmas stressful? 

It is, and I try every year to make it not stressful, yet it persists! Most of the last seven years, I’ve spent the holidays at home, with no travel whatsoever. Even then, no matter what job I have, work always gets crunchy at the end of the year, my husband’s birthday is at the end of the year so I have to come up with two sets of presents for him, and then there’s all the parties and trying to do all our festive traditions, and hand writing the holiday cards, oh, the damn holiday cards!! So, yeah, I find it a little stressful.

Ever eat a pierogi? 

My mom’s side of the family is Polish American, so I’ve eaten a few pierogi in my day. I love them. My mom always boiled them and then pan-fried them with onions in butter, and that’s my favorite way to eat them.

Favorite type of fruit pie? 

Does banana cream pie count? Now you’ve made me want to pop by House of Pies for a slice.

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? 

Teacher, pop star, writer.

Do you believe in ghosts? 

Yes. No. Maybe?

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? 

I have had dreams where I’ve gone somewhere I’ve never been before, and then days or months or even years later, I’ve ended up there. Eerie.

Wear slippers? 

No, because I love walking around the house in bare feet.

Wear a bathrobe? 

Not really. Sometimes I’ll wear a lightweight robe to the pool, like if I’m in Palm Springs.

What do you wear to bed? 

Usually a tank top and underwear. Sometimes if it’s really cold, I’ll wear my Johnnie jumpsuit.

First concert? 

Guster, at Muhlenberg College. My friend was really into them, and I went along.

Ever take dance lessons? 

Technically, no. I was in a club called Modern Dance in middle school where we wore leotards and danced to NSYNC songs (that’s a hilarious, embarrassing story I’ll tell you about some other time). I did take a trippy, half-credit class in college called “Movement Analysis” which was meant for actors and non-dancers. We did all kinds of weird, actor-y shit like having to walk across the room as different animals, having to cross the room with another person staying connected only at our heads, stuff like that. Our homework was coloring. Literally, we had to color in certain bones on a picture of a skeleton, color in the circulatory system, etc. I almost always smoked before I went to class. Look, it was my senior spring, I was taking it easy, okay?

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? 

Since I have a current spouse that I like very much and would like to keep around, I’ll answer this about him. I wouldn’t mind if he got out of the insurance industry, because with global warming and the rise of catastrophic weather events and the losses from them, it’s become less and less of the stable industry it used to be. I know that those of us outside of the industry don’t think about this much, but there are real costs to rebuilding after a wildfire or a hurricane, and there isn’t an infinite amount of money in the pot to do that. Of course, in my dream life I would make so much money that he could be a full-time cat dad and volunteer as he pleased.

Ever won a spelling bee? 

We didn’t really have those! I’m not sure why. Maybe the public humiliation aspect of it? I always wanted to do one, because I’m an excellent speller. But then, spelling things out loud is a slightly different skill set, isn’t it?

Have you ever cried because you were so happy? 

Hahahaha. As Beyoncé once said, “You must not know ‘bout me.” Yes, all the time. Literally, last night, when [redacted] won The Circle.

Regularly burn incense? 

No, to be honest, I hate the way that incense smells. I’m a candle girl.

Ever been in love? 

Of course.

What was the last concert you saw? 

I think the last one I saw was Belle & Sebastian over the summer, recapped here.

Tea or coffee? 

COFFEE!!!

Sugar cookies or snickerdoodles? 

Sugar cookies. Snickerdoodles can be a bit dry, I find.

DJ or band, at a wedding? 

This is tough. One great thing about a DJ is getting to hear the songs you love performed by the original artists, not reinterpreted. But also, there’s nothing like the energy of a really great live band. We went with a DJ for our wedding because it was way cheaper and we felt we’d have more control over the playlist, and we did! Actually, now that I think of it, we also had a surprise mariachi band, so we kind of had both!

Ever won a contest? 

I was awarded Best Screenplay in my program when I studied abroad in college at an international film school in Prague. That said, English was not the first language of most of my peers in my program, so it wasn’t exactly an even playing field.

Best room for a fireplace? 

The bedroom. I put them in all my Sims’ bedrooms.

Do you want to get married? 

Well, not again!

If married, how long have you been married? 

Six years.

Who was your HS crush? 

The thing you need to know about me is that I was COMPLETELY boy-crazy my whole life from about 10 years old until I started dating my husband at 22. I ALWAYS had a crush, and 99.9% of the time, they were unrequited. I had so many in high school, and they changed almost weekly. Mostly punky or artsy boys who didn’t deserve me.

Do you have kids? 

Nope.

Do you want kids? 

Nope.

Do you miss anyone right now? 

On a very serious note, as I was writing this, I found out that a dear friend in New York’s father died very suddenly today. I hate living far away from friends when things like that happen and you can’t support them in person. I would love to be able to deliver him a home-cooked lasagna or something. Sending a gift basket doesn’t feel like enough.

What’s your favorite color? 

Stop harassing me!!! (I’m a Libra, I can’t choose!)

Okay sweetie pies, that’s all I have for you this month! I hope you had fun!

Don’t forget to like or comment on this post if you’d like—you can use the buttons at the bottom or the top.

Until next time—see you BEHIND THE PAYWALL!

Love,

Liz

XOXO