A return to normalcy? & The Ultimatum [Like You Know Whatever]

Hi friends!

How ARE you?? I’m doing well! I’m writing this a bit in advance because when I send it out, my husband and I will be in the middle of a long weekend in Portland to celebrate a friend’s birthday with him. It’s not really a milestone birthday or anything, we’ve just been wanting to visit him for a while and thought it would be fun to be there for his party. For the past 10 years or so, most of my traveling has been centered around attending weddings, and this year will be no exception, but I really like being able to travel out for smaller life events when I can.

One thing I am decidedly NOT thrilled about is the mask mandate on planes being lifted in the U.S. literally two days before I was set to fly out! Not cool, man! I will still be wearing my N-95 and hoping for the best, I guess. If I had a child or an immunocompromised person at home I might be making a different risk calculation. These people who are so eager to take off their masks on planes are perverted little freaks to me! I can’t imagine wanting to be crammed into a box with 200 other people and wanting to breathe in the raw air at this point. Eww! At least the flight to Portland isn’t too long.

I have been to Portland a handful of times now, most recently, in last August, when I met up with a bunch of girl friends from the West Coast there. Such a great city. I’ve been there in the summer when it’s gorgeous and in the middle of winter when it’s… less so. Regardless of the weather, I always have a good time, with great food and great drinks. I could never live there, though – seasonal depression would kill me. No offense, Portlanders; you’re just made of stronger stuff than I am, which is why I live in sunny Southern California, where the biggest wimps in the world live: the TV & film industry.

Speaking of which: I started my new job at that comedy production company, which I think I can tell you now is Funny or Die! You probably know FOD for their amazing digital comedy sketches, like “Prop 8: The Musical” or “The Landlord,” or their amazing digital series like Gay of Thrones or Billy on the Street, but did you know that they have pivoted in recent years to focus on producing movies and TV series? They produced Netflix’s American Vandal, and are attached to the new Weird Al biopic that’s going to star Daniel Radcliffe, and they’re also working on a bunch of other stuff I can’t tell you about because I’m under an NDA! But it’s pretty exciting!

The oddest part of this new job is that I’m going into the office three days a week. Everyone is required to be vaxxed and boosted, and I guess on some level I knew that at some point we would return to this level of normalcy, but after being at home for two years, it’s WEIRD, man! I do my little commute and eat my little lunch salad and fill up my little reusable water bottle in the office kitchen and pretend like it’s not all deeply, deeply strange to me. It’s normal, but not at the same time. It all feels very “this is not my beautiful house,” you know? I mean, I guess when I was fully remote and would check my work email before putting on pants, that would also strike some as strange behavior, so it’s all in how you look at things, eh?

I think that ultimately, going into an office will be good for me, but like anything, it’s an adjustment. I’m out of my comfort zone, and I was VERY comfy in there. Probably too comfy. I think I own more sweatpants and leggings than “real” pants now, and let’s be honest, that’s not great. It is important to try to be a human being who exists in the world once in a while, as opposed to a slob who exists in her home office who gets her feelings hurt when she’s shunned by her cat.

One thing, though? I cannot remember for the life of me how I used to work all day at an office, commute home, and then cook dinner from scratch or write or work out or do anything at all besides order food on GrubHub and queue up Netflix. I was telling my husband this, and he said, “You just need to build up your work stamina,” and I think he is right. Being “on” at work (i.e., being around other people) is like a muscle that’s atrophied for me. I just have to flex that shit and build it back up.

Alright, enough about all that! Let’s get into some reviews & recommendations:

• The Cheesecake Fact’ry. Last time I wrote to you, I was about to embark on a culinary journey, the likes of which I had never experienced before: a double date at the Cheesecake Factory. I was apprehensive but optimistic. It turned out to be a really fun night! We met up at the Cheesecake Factory in Beverly Hills (NOT the one inside The Grove), because we fancy. We all shared the famous avocado eggrolls, which were pretty good! They came with this tamarind dipping sauce and the whole dish had vaguely Asian flavors, which kind of surprised me, as I was expecting more of a southwestern flair. I know that warm avocado can be controversial, but as a big fan of the California omelet, I don’t mind it at all. I also had two (off-menu) appletinis, which were acid green and made with green apple vodka–a guilty pleasure of mine, but I figured, when in Rome/a chain restaurant in which spirals heavily factor in its decor. They were weak and delicious!And then for my entree, I got the four-cheese pasta, mostly because I looked at the fettuccine alfredo and it was over 2,000 calories, so I obviously got the pasta that was a diet-friendly 1300 calories instead. God, don’t you hate when menus list the calories? It’s so triggering to anyone who has ever had issues with obsessive calorie counting and weight (i.e., every woman alive). Anyway, the pasta was actually quite good. Finally, Ross and I split the strawberry cheesecake, which the menu said was their most popular cheesecake “for over 40 years.” I have to admit, it was delicious. Love that graham cracker crust! Overall, I really enjoyed my meal! Would absolutely dine at the Cheesecake Factory again. Wow!

• Under a Rock with Tig Notaro. As part of my new job at Funny or Die, I’ve been familiarizing myself with their library of content, and Under a Rock was a series I somehow missed the first time it went around, in 2019. The premise is simple and hilarious: comedian Tig Notaro apparently is very bad at recognizing celebrities, so on this talk show, she interviews them and tries to figure out who they are. “Please welcome… this person!” is how she introduces all her guests. My favorites were Tony Shalhoub because, c’mon, who doesn’t know Monk, and Wyclef Jean because he brought a really unique energy to the show, to say the least. He honestly just seemed excited to talk to someone who didn’t know who he was. The format endears you to all of the guests, because their egos are getting stomped on the whole time and they’re just laughing about it. Check it out if you need a comedy break.

• The Ultimatum. This Netflix reality show is one of the messiest dating “experiments” I’ve ever seen. A bunch of couples make up the cast, and in each couple, one person has issued an ultimatum to the other person to get engaged or break up. The show begins with them choosing other people from within the cast to date and move in with (!!) for three weeks. Then, after those three weeks are up, they go back to their original partners, and move in with them for another three weeks. Finally, they must decide whether to get married to their original partners, leave with their new partners, or leave single. Whew! Got all that? Here’s the trailer if it helps.I find this all really fascinating! Apparently, many people who’ve reacted to the show believe you should never give your partner an ultimatum like this. I hear that, but I also kind of feel like, if a person has really reached that point where they’re ready to walk away if a commitment isn’t made, isn’t it best to be honest? I don’t know. Maybe I am a little biased, because my parents actually got engaged after my mom issued an ultimatum to my dad. The way they tell it, it’s a funny story–afterwards, they went and told my grandma that they were engaged but to keep it quiet, because my dad still wanted to ask for my grandpa’s blessing. Instead, my grandma ran out into the street and started yelling, “Wesele! Wesele!” which is “wedding” in Polish. Anyway, they just had their 50th anniversary in 2020, so it all worked out.At the same time… I hate when people use anecdata as relationship advice, especially when it’s illustrating the exception to the rule! I’ve also known couples who did NOT survive an ultimatum like that, so. And when I say that sometimes a person has reached a point where they’re ready to walk away, am I talking about a person who is 24 years old and has been dating their S.O. for two years, like the people on this show? Absolutely not! I’m talking about people who want kids whose fertility windows are rapidly narrowing, or people who have been with their partners for at least a years-between-Fiona-Apple-albums’ length of time.It’s a shitty and difficult thing, to be ready for marriage when your partner isn’t, and I think women dating men often end up in that position because of the way we’re socialized to value marriage more than our male counterparts (even though statistically, marriage benefits men more! How unfair is that?). We also receive a lot of scary messages from women’s media about the threat of being “strung along” by the infamous Guy Who Will Never Commit. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say, oh, you should never date for more than X years without getting engaged, you shouldn’t move in together without getting engaged, you shouldn’t do this or that without a ring OR YOU’LL NEVER GET ONE. On the flip side, if you’re a woman who isn’t ready for marriage, people invalidate your feelings and treat you like a freak. So, I can sympathize with the women on this show, even though I think they’re all tiny babies who shouldn’t even be talking about marriage at 24 (seriously, they’re ALL 24). Allow me to touch on just a few of them:

  • Zay. I really like how open and vulnerable Zay was with Shanique’s family, and I say this without judgment and do not mean it as a dig at all: I think that Zay would really benefit from talk therapy. His parents’ emotional abandonment is just too big of a thing to process on his own, and it’s clearly impacting his other relationships. Until he sorts through that and stops with the Instagram bullshit, I don’t see him being ready for marriage.

  • Jake. I actually really liked Jake with Rae, until I found out that he and April have been sleeping together without using any protection for almost two years. I’m sorry, but that’s INSANE. He must be one of those dudes who is a total baby about using condoms and places all the weight of figuring out birth control onto his female partner, which I absolutely hate. Blegh!

  • Shanique. The weird thing about Shanique is that sometimes, like with Randall, she can be the worst communicator you’ve ever seen, completely shutting down and shutting her partner out, and then other times, like when she meets up with Zay to talk about him and Rae, she perfectly articulates the issues in their relationship. It’s a wild ride! I like her a lot, but I generally agree with my husband’s assessment, which is that she’s too good-looking and will ultimately never be forced into the personal growth she needs to have a sustainable long-term relationship. A new guy will just come along and find her attractive and start the cycle all over again.

  • Lauren and Nate. Is there an issue that creates more incompatibility than the question of whether or not to have kids? I mean, really. Nate wants kids and Lauren does not, and I hate the way that everyone tries to change her mind, like there’s something wrong with her. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids, especially in this day and age! There is a greater than 0% chance that any children you bring into this world today are going to die in a climate catastrophe, and that’s me being nice about it. They should have broken up before coming on the show, but what happens instead is so much worse, and that’s all that I can say about that without spoilers.

  • Madlyn. I think that Madlyn thinks she is the voice of reason on this show, the person who’s “saying what everyone is thinking,” but she’s actually just kind of a jerk? But I also sort of enjoy her obnoxiousness and think she’s funny like 10% of the time? All that said, what Colby does to her is 100% unacceptable and I am disappointed with how that turned out. 

Alright, that’s plenty from me today!

Don’t forget to like, comment, and share this newsletter if you feel like it–you can use the buttons at the bottom or the top.

Until next time—get outta that comfort zone (but wear a mask)!

Love,

Liz

XOXO